I took some photos with my bumble bee yesterday because we were all prettied up. It was not a happy occasion, we had to bury a much beloved family member. But we looked nice so I thought we should take a picture. I very rarely spend time on my makeup. There’s a few reasons for this. Mostly, I have no time or just can’t be bothered. I’m also working on clearing my skin, so the less I wear makeup the better right now. However, I can’t help but feel I just look so much better with it, than without it.
I currently have major issues with my self esteem. It’s pretty obvious I guess, or people know it’s where they can hit me the hardest, because that’s always the shot they take when they want to hurt me – telling me I am fat or ugly. Yes, I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life right now. Why is that? Well, one huge reason is that it isn’t a priority for me right now. My life is focused on my daughter. Ever since she was born she has been my entire focus. Everything I do is for her, even the hours I work – it’s all for her. I just haven’t had time to lose the extra weight I gained after I had Brynn. I didn’t lose it after I had her because we didn’t successfully breastfeed – another thing I am incredibly sad about and feel defeated by. I try to make healthy food choices but with most of my time dedicated to my daughter, I keep failing at finding time to exercise. I day dream about being gorgeous and thin like all my favourite bloggers and females I see on my social media feeds.
Then I realized, it isn’t their figures that I think is beautiful about the bloggers and females I follow on social media – it’s them. Their hearts, their souls, their love for their families or hobbies. It radiates from their posts. They are kind, they are caring. They have concern for me, and my family. They are friends even though they are miles or countries away. They wouldn’t dream of calling me fat or ugly because they don’t believe it to be true, because they see my heart, and they see my soul, and they are my friends.
I need to remember this when I look a myself. I need to look at myself like my friends look at me. I need to look at myself like my daughter looks at me. Full of love.
Yes, I am still planning to make an effort to find more time to exercise and my main goal is to be a healthier me, so I can be around for Brynn as long as I can. But in the meantime I need to love me, all of me, as she loves me.